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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

tummy, day 2

WTF?  From the bottom of my ribcage to my pelvis in the front feels like a giant bruise.  A banana this morning made it churn.  A banana, most benign of fruits!  And I am so hungry!  Grrr.  It seems to feel better about cereal with soy milk than fruit, so that was dinner and breakfast (post banana).  Could it be stress again? I don't feel that stressed.  The battery of tests run on my innards a few years ago made sure there was nothing wrong.  Nothing actually wrong with my body.  But my brain tells me it hurts.  C'mon brain!  We have been getting along so well!  I promise to eat better if you stop hurting.  Deal?

Filling 3 longhand journal pages is harder than it sounds.  Who gets up with that ammount of free time in the morning?  I need to manage my time better.  And start getting more exercise.  I understand slow and steady concerning changes to my habits, but something has got to give soon.  Progress is slow, but evident.  Breathe in patience.  Breathe out impatience.

The unpleasant physical sensations in mah belleh are distracting me from my philosophical musings.  

I miss my out of state friends.  I want to be comfortable being alone, but I'm not yet.  This past weekend was proof of that.  It's not just about a lover being there to comfort me.  My roommatesleft for the weekend and I sank into fear and despair at being alone for so long.  This morning, Hoyce compared my behavior (following him from room to room) to that of a lonely puppy.  He wasn't wrong.  I've always been that way, much to the annoyance of the people I followed.  Why do I have so much trouble being alone?  There are definitive things I enjoy doing alone that other people don't need to be around for and might not care for.  So when I am alone, why don't I do them?  What keeps me from doing something alone that I enjoy doing alone?  Why this desire for attention, approval, and companionship?  I am alone today.  I stay home from work with the afore mentioned tummy ache.  So what am I doing?  I am talking to people via the internet.  An attempt to communicate while being isolated.  The sun is comming out.  I should go for a walk.  I probably won't.  I should see if annabelle is free for lunch.  I am afraid.  Walk with nowhere to go.  Talk with nothing to say.  Eat and feel ill.  This is what today is.  I don't know why it is that way.  I guess that's only important in prevention of future days such as today.  Now it's here, what is important is how to make it better.  Motivate.  Accomplish something.  But I don't have the drive today.  Maybe my body is focused on healing whatever is wrong with my belly.  Today heal my body, tomorrow heal my mind, and eventually heal my spirit.  I'm not feeling depressed as I write this, but that can be a ruse.  The symptoms are varied and subtle.  Lethargy.  Disintrest.  But I haven't felt these things potently in a while, so I am going to chalk it up to my stomach needing healing attention and let my body do its thing.  Must keep in mind that today was like this and tomorrow is different.  My mind is not failing.  It's just taking care of something it deems more immediate.  


I was able to keep up with the Artist's Way while in the Peace Corps, but since returning, I haven't been able to get back into it?
There's been a nasty non-flu virus going around. Boo had it for 10 days, and she was sore from stem to stern. Might be that you've got the same thing.

Being alone is tough, and takes practice. When so much of your life has been spent being defined, for better or worse, by the influence of outside people, it's almost impossible to be alone and comfortable with it. Being alone means we are left with no mirror, not even any criticism - we are just us, and it's tough to know who we are outside of other people.

But - some of the most beautiful and powerfully joyful moments in life happen when I'm alone. Because I can know, without a doubt in my mind, that my joy is not dependent on anything else but my very existence in that moment. Going outside for five minutes and genuinely feeling happy seeing a dandelion amongst the field of chemlawn green?