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led astray

January 2013

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another day without dollars

Yesterday I played hooky because I wanted to clean the house.  Today I missed because I feel like smeared shit.  No energy to do anything and an pset stomach.  Ugh.  I even got tired of spinning.  Not tired of it, tired from it.  The fuck? 

I might get a visit from an out of state friend this weekend.  Still up in the air.  Will be interesting and telling either way.

The play I'm writing seems to have left me.  I sat down to type and I got 3 lines out.  Does this go back to my fear of doing anything for fear of failing?  The bits that tell me no effort will ever be good enough, so why bother with any effort?  What is the block I have against writing anything?  I should start up the Artist's Way again.  I still have the outline and story and characters in my head.  When I sit down to write, they vanish as though never concieved.

I should start making a list of things to bring up in therapy.  With my new schedule adjustment it will have been nearly a month since I've gone.  And things don't stop happening.  The world keeps going, whether I talk about it or not.
**edited to ad: Ever have those moments when you recognise yourself doing what you dislike about someone else?  Yeah, me too.  Got it, universe.  Thanks for the note.

And the yet to be created item is still up in the air.  I went to the farm and met the animals.  Got Pumpkin's first shearing, cleaned it, hand carded it, hand spun it on a drop spindle, plied it (this is all still in progress), and will knit it.  But into what?  And for whom?  The only person the process has signifigance for is me.  The care and dedication it takes to go from farm to fashion is only mine to enjoy.  So do I make something for myself?  I'd almost feel selfish to have spent that much time and effort on something for myself.  But if I give it to someone else, I'm giving all that care and thought to someone it means nothing to.  And this refers back to an earlier post about gifting.  Once someone recieves the gift, it is not under my inluence.  And I have to be aware that it will never mean to someone else to recieve it what it meant for me to make it.  Can I deal with that?  Can I give something so precious to me in time and effort and never ask for acknowledgement?  That is the only for a gift to be given, to want to put in the effort because you want to share something that makes you happy with someone and let it go.  To care and craft and not need to be admired or thanked.  To give and not to recieve.  I think this may be one of those things I'm putting way too much thought into, reading meanings in that aren't there.  It's fur and sticks.


When I write, I find I have to jot down the outline by hand. Sitting in front of a computer makes it all leave my head. Also, listening to music which suits the mood of what I'm writing ALWAYS gets my creative muse dancing.

Fwiw, I've thought things through like that, too. I recently spun and made something - my very FIRST something made from wool to item. I decided I'd make it for Boo, because it would have meaning. You know what? It ended up not fitting her. Bwaha. Life! My best advice - either make it for yourself, or for someone who can appreciate (at bare minimum) the time. There are definitely folks who can and will appreciate how much time goes into going from fur to fashion.
(((hug))) Thanks. Maybe I will make something for me.
You deserve something you put so much time and love into. And it means you get to snuggle up with Pumpkin whenever you wear it! :-) Definitely make it for *you*! *hugs*

Sometimes I wish I could connect my brain directly to the computer and download my thoughts because when I sit down to write, they are all gone, or get too wrapped up and can't come out, or take a tangent that never gets me back to the original thoughts. Ever thought of trying dictation? Just get a tape recorder and blurt out all of the ideas you have in your head, then type them up later to look at? Even if they are just one line blurbs. Then you can cut and paste then wherever they fit or edit them however it works.
Yeah, notebooks are easier for me. For some reason I just can't get anything out in type. My best stuff is on scraps of paper that get lost in my clutter. I have a voice recorder, but I never use it. I don't know why.