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led astray

January 2013

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Soup Day!

Today is Soup Day!  Lots of awesome people making lots of yummy soup.  And eating it!  Celebrate the goodness that is soup.

Neighbors in other apartments in the house have started Laundry Wars.  If I'm 5 minutes late to switch my laundry, that does not give you the right to smoosh my clothes onto the top of the dryer.  Hoyce leaves his stuff down there for a week, so he can't really complain, but when I do laundry, I want it done asap, so I watch the time and get it done.  5 minutes of time, and not all the clothes were dry.  I may have run it again.  If you're that catty you can't wait 5 minutes to do a chore that takes 90 minutes, you can go shit in your hat!  Leave my stuff alone, asshat.

I have a friend who is hurting, and I have done all I know how to do to help him and give him a bit of comfort.  But I have to accept that people will only accept as much help as they are ready to.  All I can do is provide the opportunity and safe space to let his feelings do what they need to do.  I can't force him to listen to my encouragement.  I can't stop him if he is intent on self-deprecation and bottling his feelings up, trying to be "strong".  This is not something I can control.  I am not responsible for the people who activate my mutant power.  I cannot fix anyone's problems but my own.  It is not my place to interfere.  I have no magic wand to wave and make it all better.  There is no reason for me to feel guilt about failing to make it better.  I didn't fail.  I did what I could, and I can do no more without harm.  I have to let it go, let him make his own choices, let him fall, and just be there if he needs help getting back up.  I want to ask the universe to give me the strength to cause no harm.  I wish him clarity and peace.  I don't care what it looks like to them.  I don't care what they think I'm doing, what they think we're doing.  They have no empathy.  Sometimes I wish I could be cold and not care about people.  I even care about the cold people.  They'll never see it, and that's ok.  They don't have to.  I can be a hard person to get along with, and I have a lot of divergent ideas about how people could and should behave toward one another.  But I can't stop caring.  I see someone in pain and it brings out my nurturing instincts.  Doesn't matter who it is.  Don't know me very well?  That doesn't make it any less safe to let the shields down, activate my mutant power.  It's not a burden.  I have made a commitment, with lots of help from Scarn, angel_heart, sistahraven, and elvenphilosopher, to be a safe person, to make a safe space for people to not have to wear their armor, knowing there will not be harm done to them.  Safety is very important to me, as I am an abuse survivor.  I don't always know what safety looks like to other people.  I can guess and test, and sometimes I'm wrong.  But all that needs doing is to ask.  Trouble is, most people don't know what makes them feel safe because they never had the urgent need to cultivate it, and I'm glad they have been spared the terror that makes the creation of safety a necessity for me and other survivors. I've gone off on a tangent here and it's time to get ready for Soup Day.