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led astray

January 2013

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I'm getting old.  I wussed out on going out dancing with annabelle last night because I was too tired.  Lame!!!  Luckily there's another opportunity next weekend.  And another on the 27th that opened up for me since there's no bloomin' way I can afford the bus to PA and back right now.  Dyztort might come back up for that one.

And this next bit is a rant about something posted in a friend's LJ that really sucks.  And yeah, I'm getting on my soapbox for    Ok..  My mother and grandmother are manipulative people, miserable people, sick people.  Every little nice thing, favor, present, kind word, given had a string attached, was counted.  Later, when they wanted something, they would pull this list of nice things they had done for me/each other, and use it as leverage.  "Well I did this and this for you, so you need to do this for me."  And if you don't do what they want, you become the ungrateful, selfish, spoiled little brat.  They use gifts as remote control devices.  To this day I have gift guilt and accept gifts warily.  BUT!  It has taught me how not to gift.  When I give something, it's because I think it would make someone happy.  I don't want something in return.  I don't need thanks.  What I get out of it is the smile.  I want my friends to be happy.  I'd like to have something to do with that.  Keeping track of gifts and favors is shitty unless you're in the fucking mafia.  Even then it's kinda shitty.  Next time you start to do something nice for someone, take a moment and question your motives.  Are you doing this for a thank you?  Are you expecting something in return?  If you are, it's not a gift, it's a trade.  A gift is its own end.  Would you still give the gift or do the favor if you never saw this person again, never heard a thank you, never got anything from them?  If the answer is no, it's not a gift.  Giving a gift is like giving a piece of caring, of thought.  It is a thing that leaves you.  If you want something in return, the thought and care is not directed at the person recieving the gift, but looping back around to yourself.  Be sure that the gift gets to the intended recipient.  If you want something for yourself, get yourself a gift.  If you want to be thanked, thank yourself.  Giving has to be the end of giving.  Expectation ruins a gift.  To give is to let go, otherwise it's just lending.  Nothing wrong with lending, but don't call it a gift.  I hated going through life wondering what the price would be on anything anyone did for me or gave to me.  What price would I have to pay later when this gift or favor got held over my head?  What freedom, what dignity would I have to forgo later?  That's not the basis of a friendship, to owe.  That is not how you care for another human being.

 End Rant. 

Doing laundry today.  Maybe dishes.  I'm such a dork.  I did dishs the other day because I was excited to try out the new soap smell I got at the grocery store.  This is one of those keys, those hallmarks of age.  When tax return time comes around I'm excited to clear some debt, or ourchase a household item, such as a vaccume cleaner.  Well, fuck age.  I have coloring books and crayons and green nail polish and a stuffed bunny in my bed.  I still pull out and smell all my candles, incense, and perfume from time to time because I just like the way they smell.  And I can have dessert for dinner and dinner for dessert (see yesterday, when I had cookie dough and icing for dinner and pizza for dessert).  But I'm old enough to drink what I want, not have a curfew, and say no to my elders.


Indeed. The happiness of the recipient should be the intent of a gift. Yes, it sucks if you fall prey to the human tit-for-tat mentality, but as long as you can step back from that inborn behaviour, you don't have to live under it. That mentality is part of the reason I hate my birthday. Big birthday presents have meant some level of "this will be used against you later" for most of my life.
I think your rant has hit on why I sort of dislike Xmas and disliked and concealed my birthday for a long time.