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led astray

January 2013

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amulet

heart and bones

When bones break, they grow back stronger, more calcified.  Martial arts masters who break boards and the like spend years hardening their hands by hitting them against hard surfaces, creating tiny fractures that heal over stronger.  That is the job of bones, to be rigid and strong and hard.  The job of the (metaphorical) heart is to love.  So I have found a respect for every heartbreak I have suffered, because they make my heart stronger through healing.  But  heart is not a bone.  So rather than getting harder, my heart beconmes better able to love.  Yeah, heartbreak huts.  So do broken bones.  But the tiny fractures in my heart have made my heart mighty in its capacity to love.  My love gets stronger and more flexible as I heal. 

My love is not a jealous kind anymore.  My love is transformed into a caring that is far less selfish.   I want people I love to be happy.  Where that happiness comes from is secondary.  That's not to say that I don't have a preference for being the one providing the happiness.  I do.  I like to be a provider of comfort and happiness.  But I don't begrudge someone happiness gotten elsewhere.  I can't and shouldn't be anyone's sole source of happiness.  That means I have to be willing to accept that someone can be happy without me as well.  It seems obvious to say, but it's a difficult thing in practice.  I am friends with several exes.  I want them to be happy.  I am glad for it.  So when I went out to see Izzy play music, it made me feel good to see him doing what makes him happy, and it has nothing to do with me.  But I want him to be happy and I enjoy seeing him happy.  I would never ask him to give any of that up.  And he has very little time for me because of it, but I can't really be upset about it because it makes him happy.

Which brings me to the bunny.  I had a difficult time getting my therapist to understand the motivation behind giving Izzy a stuffed bunny when I decided it was better for me to not date him anymore.  He thought I was trying to leave a piece of myself there for Izzy to hold or think of me or some such.  But it's not about that.  He would always hold my bunny and sometimes slept holding it.  He didn't have a bunny of his own, nor any other stuffies, but he clearly enjoyed having one around.  So I got him a stuffed bunny of his own.  And it didn't have anything to do with me.  It doesn't matter where the bunny came from, so long as it is there to give him comfort.  I just saw an easy way to make his life a tiny bit more cozy.  It's not as though I gave him my bunny.  That would be a whole different story.  No one gets my bunny!  hehe 

Yet, while I want him to be happy, I need to take care of my own happiness.  I have to put my sanity first.  So yes I like him and would like to be serious with him, but the way I felt about the situation was bad for me.  So I remove myself.  But I still want him happy, but in a way tat isn't damaging to me.  So I go see his show and get to see him being happy in a way that is not harmful to anyone.

I thought about sending him this, but I don't want to force my mind on him.  If he's really interested, it's easy enough for him to find.

Comments

"heart and bones" made me think of this pin that one of my favorite sellers on Etsy made. She uses things like tiny gears and mouse bones found in owl pellets, and embeds them in resin. She even made some doll eyes with tiny gears in them for me and a couple of my doll friends!

"Yet, while I want him to be happy, I need to take care of my own happiness. I have to put my sanity first."

Funny how when we are in close romantic relationships with people, we are so often (and often unconsciously) selfish and put our own needs before the theirs...but once we have split from that person it becomes very difficult to make our personal needs a priority.

I think that the stability of a long-term relationship can give some people a false sense of bravado, as in "I've got you now, you won't go anywhere no matter what I do". In the long run, that leads to resentment from the other person, or fear within ourselves that the other person will discover that they fell victim to false advertising and run away...

...I've been reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray", can you tell?!

I don't know that. Is it a book?

When in a relationship I find I am often giving up my needs and wants to benefit the other. But then when I find I want things I haven't been getting or giving myself, I get angry. I am starting to put myself first. It's a strugle.
Even better - our heart is a muscle. So while it can heal and become stronger through heartbreak, it can also become stronger and more capable of love simply through practicing love. Isn't that wonderful?

It's enormously difficult to practice loving someone unconditionally - because unconditionally involves removing you as a necessity in their life, and that's really hard. But, if you can even practice it a little, your heart gets stronger.

Loving someone enough to willingly part with them when you are no longer a part of them leading a happy life? Great exercise for the heart.
Wonderful, and painful. But there is a sweetness to the hurting now.
i went to his house the other day. there was a bunny nestled between his pillows. he told me it was from you. i'm happy to know more of the story behind it.

please please do put your sanity first. i've wanted a boy who wouldn't give me what i needed to be okay and happy and i've let it change me in ways i didn't like. it took a while to get back to being someone i can love being.

that said, it's so much easier to say... :> oh i know.
I'm glad to hear the bunny found a home. :-) It was something of a parting gift. I thought he would miss my bunny. What sort of weirdo am I that breaks up for liking someone, and takes effort he doesn't go to missing my stuffed bunny? hehehe