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led astray

January 2013

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holiday thoughts


The Past:
The holidays were the worst time of year for me growing up.  On top of it being cold, there was my family, who pretty much all suck except for my sister.  The stress of holidays got to them, and the lack of light, too.  The better Christmases were the ones when I was only dissapointed at the lack of some gift or other, or the presence of my sister or mother.  They were better than the ones that found me desperate to please someone who is unalbe to be pleased and crying, or worse, nursing my throat after a throttling.  To say that the holidays lost all charm for me would be an understatement.

The Present:
I avoid Christmas trees and decorations.  I manage to be ok around decorations now.  I wasn't always.  The sight of them used to make me panic.  I don't even mind them in my living space, with the condition that I not be responsible for their set-up or removal.  I have no "faith" that makes me feel the need to recall some distant event in any particular belief system.  I just know that the cold dark times suck and it's a reasonable thing to want to bring together those we care about.  As I write this, I remember that I neglected to call my grandmother on the day and tell her "Merry Christmas" and I know that though the day means little more to her than to me, the fact of my negligence will tell her that I don't love her and that she is worthless, and this is because it is one of Those Days you are Supposed To Call.  It's supposed to mean something, and she buys into that to this day, probably more out of habit than anything else.  But I spent this Christmas having given no gifts and gotten more than I felt comfortable accepting (gift guilt is a whole other story).  Hoyce and I watched Deadwood and ate french fries for dinner.  I did some laundry and dishes and went to bed early.  The phone rang for me and I answered to a voice I was expecting.  No one else called.  It was just another day.  Compared to Christmas Past, it was a good day.

The Future:
The future is something that scares me, to be honest.  I'm not where I thought I'd be at nearly 30.  Nor am I who I thought I'd be.  And making plans is the best way to make the universe laugh.  But I still have hope.  It is irksome, this hope.  It gets me out of bed in the morning and makes me do things like take my meds and go to therapy.  It abides in places I can't get to to squash it.  Sometimes I'd like it to shut up.  It hides when I want it and comes out when I don't, but that's like so many things I can't even begin to list.  I have hope about hopeless things, like winning the lottery, getting that stupid boy or girl to like me, getting discovered as a movie star, or starting a fiber farm.  I guess the point is that this is historically the most hopeless time of year for me, but I got out of bed.  That gives me hope.  And I like to share whatever meager virtues I have with the people who make life worth living, my friends.  So hope at you, and may your hope be slightly less irritating of a sort than mine!

Comments

I'll happily add a drop of your hope into my hope-soup.

You've given me plenty of gifts for Yule this year: You're still in my life, and I have a hundred happy memories that I can pull up at a moment's notice. I have music and laughter and love - what could be better?

And muhahahhahaa. There is an awesomesauce slowcooker, complete with cozy. I just have to get off my lazy ass and bring it down to you.

Holidays.

To be honest I didn't think I'd be looking forward to any holidays myself this year. Christmas was supposed to be a cold lonely affair, and New Year's was to be something to get over with as soon as possible. That's what "I" was expecting. Things have gotten turned around on its head though. I found a few reasons to smile, and a few things to look forward too. As for the future, I'm not going to worry about it. I won't put my head in the sand, but I'm not going to pull my hair out over anything -it would be fruitless anyway ;)-
I will say this though, I'm truly glad I met you all those years ago. Thinking of you has always made me smile. Sometimes sadly, many times gleefully, but mostly with a happy kinda goofy relief that your still in my life.
-Sha
*hugs*

Thanks for sharing. I always like learning more about you.
:-) *hugs* Glad you had a decent holiday and enjoyed Deadwood, and that the future is, if not bright, at least vague rather than dark and foreboding. *snugs*