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led astray

January 2013

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whine

So.  I know I have these things called "issues".  They get in the way of so much.  Now they are telling me that I have been discarded by the people I care about.  I mean everyone.  There is a part of my brain that *should* know this isn't true, but then there are these issues.  The issues make that knowledge a big question mark.  It annoys me that I see things so black and white when it comes to being cared about.  One of the worst felings in the world is being forgotten about.  So when I ask on Wednesday what's going on for Friday, and I don't hear anything by 9PM Friday, yeah, I'm upset.  Even if I wasn't invited to whatever was going on, I'd like to know.  I'd like for someone to remember to tell me that I'm not invited, rather than leave me hanging.  And I don't have much apology in me for leaving a voicemail expressing my hurt and anger.  Sorry, but I'm just not sorry.  I want to know when I stopped being part of the "family" and started being "other people".  One could say I gave that up when I moved out of the Malbert house, but then I recall that I was asked to leave.  I didn't want to go.  But here I am, out of the loop.  Uninvited even to knit quietly on the couch.  And I realise through this that I suck at being alone.  I don't like the way it feels most of the time.  But peope are busy with their lives and their homes and jobs and relationships and just don't have time for me.  Or aren't allowed to see me more than one day a week.  Or live too far for my pathetic ass to take the hour and a half bus ride to get to.  Then there's Tink.  Tink always wants me around.  She always wants to be near me.  She doesn't shy away when I'm upset, she climbs in my lap to try to make it all bettter.  I have been trying to get in touch with the fucking intake coordinator at the clinic my insurance assigned me to for 3 weeks now.  If I haven't heard from them by Wednesday evening, I am putting my Thursday off to good use and going to sit outside that bitch's office until she gets me seen by both a therapist and a phych.  I do not want to go back into the hospital, but it's sliding that way fast.  I wouldn't mind so much except that they didn't fucking help me.  What a waste of a couple weeks that was!  So I'm sitting here in bed, where I've been all day.  I'm tearing up because I'm so fucking lonely.  I'm sick with rejection from several sides and degrees.  But then hell, I don't want to spend time with me, how can I blame anyone else for not wanting to?  Yet every time it's like I've been kicked in the chest.  My knees are sore from sitting cross-legged for hours playing Puzzle Pirates in a paltry attempt at distracting myself.  I haven't showered.  I was going to, but then I didn't have anywhere to go.  And that shouldn't be the reason, but lately I need more and more outside motivation for self-care.  I don't have the internal motivation.  I make myself sick whether I'm clean or dirty, so it hardly makes a bit of difference to me.  But if I were going out of the house, or if I were having company, something, someone, then I would have a reason.  And intellectually I know that self-care is its own reward, but logic just doesn't take sometimes.  And even after a shower I stink to myself, assured though I am by others that I not only don't stink, but in fact smell good.  It's like I'm smelling the decay of my 'ok'.  No one else smells it.  I had a battery of neurological tests.  There's nothing 'really' wrong.  "If wellness is this, what in hell's name is sickness?"  Heh.  I've had plenty of sleep and rest the last few days, but I still have no energy to do anything, even knitting is a chore.  Sitting up is a hassle.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't want to be a nuisance.  But I don't want to dissapear.  I don't know where the middle ground is.  The morning debate rages still, and sometimes in the evening too.  I hate being like this.  I want to be better.  I can't do it alone.  For a long time I thought I could/should/had to.  But there's no one to help me.  No one wants that.  People just want a light visit, some hellos, maybe a card game or watch a show or movie, then move along before my issues get involved, before I want to talk about why you forgot about me, why I'm an 'other' now.  As long as it stays simple, happy, light, fun.  Well, I am none of those things.  And I wouldn't know where to begin or how much of what to say if anyone did care and have the time or energy to talk about it.  I get choked up and it stays inside anyway.  Fuck.  I don't even know if I'm explaining this right.  Not that it matters.  Some people have real problems.   
 

 


Comments

I (and we) very much would like to spend time with you. I was bummed you couldn't make it yesterday, though I completely understand that 1.5 hour-long public transportation nightmare is, well, a nightmare. I didn't realize you wouldn't have had a ride until almost noon - or else we would have come and picked you up.

I love you for all of you, light or dark, flowery or stinky. Resources limit how often I or we can come into the city - but I want you to know that none of those resources which we lack are a desire to see you. You can take it as granted that we want to spend time with you, even though we aren't there in person very often.

You have the strength to get through this. I have every faith in that. I acknowledge that no amount of strength means you have the perspective to know that things can and will get better, or how that path even begins. That's what our job is - to remind you there is the land of better, and you've been invited. It's just a pain in the ass, long and stupid journey from there to here, but it's possible.

You are the only one who can walk that path to get here, but it doesn't mean we can't be cheering you on the whole way, spotting you when your legs get weak, or shining our ever-lasting flashlights on the path to make it easier to see.