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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

growing pains

So this is growing up.  The feeling of dread as I stab my dreams and visions and hopes and loves, and the nausea as I watch them squirm in their own blood on the floor.  The hollow acceptance that I will never be the person I strive to be, never accomplish what I set out to accomplish, never live a meaningful life.  Tomorrow I am going to a temp agency.  I'll wear make-up and earrings.  I'll sit with my knees together and blush.  And I will get an office job, where I sit on my ass all day smiling at people I loathe.  When I get home, I will fortify my steadily spreading gut with pizza and junk food while I drink can after can of cheap beer, trying to numb my brain from the grief of my existance, cry a little bit, and go to bed miserable, praying to never wake up.  That's the life grandma always wanted for me.  Now she gets to be right. 


"And I will get an office job, where I sit on my ass all day smiling at people I loathe."

For now.

A temp job is just that...temporary.

And fuck your grandmother, she doesn't what's best for you.

If you say so.

Seriously - it will get better. You have a lot of time ahead of you. You are a fighter. You're not going to let this happen. :)

A day job, a temp job, is nothing more than something to keep you financially afloat in between enjoying your career.

She's not right. Not in the slightest.

Many absolutely amazing actors and actresses flipped burgers, delivered mail, or lived in a cube farm. This is nothing more than an investment in your long-term career.

You'll get there.
> never live a meaningful life

I struggle with this one quite a bit myself - and some of the other ones as well. But I don't think that it's accurate.

There's a difference between "what I'm doing right now" and "what I'm going to do". Sometimes, you just need to bide your time a little, rebuild your strength, and wait for that right moment to make your move. Even if you need to cloak yourself in the guise mundanity, doesn't mean you need to accept it, or use all of it.