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led astray

January 2013

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some personal growth challenge stuff

I am doing my very best to be more than civil.  I think I'm doing a good job of it.  I've smiled and lent, and stayed away and even straightened, given, and smiled some more.  I'm tempted to take a line from Dr. Frankenfurter here.  But I can't help thinking a vile word when I picture her.  And the more I try to think my way into a different word, a kinder acceptance, the more weight the word gains.  Homewrecker.  Not in the sense of marriage-wrecking, just home.  I know, that's a strong word to be slinging around.  But that's what it boils down to.  I like the place.  So do the rest of the denizens.  No one can afford to live alone, and the only way to get a nice place is to go in with several people.  In particular, several people who are specifically not me.  Also, she wants a different place, because this was "our" place.  No one else in the house who isn't me, wants to move.  So not only am I getting displaced, the entire arrangements gets fucked up because of her issues with an ex who is bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Granted, the last couple times she met me I was in really bad space and was bitch-tastic.  Whatever.  I'm not like that all the time.  And the house without me means that even if I was like that all the time, she wouldn't have to see it.  

And then I'm jealous of the 'new girl' attention she's getting from the house.  It feels like I'm already gone.  Not only removed of my own accord from the relationship, but replaced in the household as well.  This is not to say that I am being treated any differently in the house.  My perceptions are envious.  But I have been keeping it to myself.  I want a massage, but I have nothing to offer in trade for it.  She knits, but not with me and a friend.  Oh, she's clever, and cute, and nice, moreso than I.  And I am trying to remember that there is no reason for me to hate her.  She's just doing her thing and stirring up the arrangement.  She isn't doing anything wrong except being stubborn.  I am in another relationship that I am happy with.  I don't want to be back in that spot in his life.  So why do I hate her?  Is it because I have to move?  Because everyone else will have to move if they want to stay together?  Is she a homewrecker?

So what I need to do is ceep myself in check while she's here (for several more days than "the weekend").  Try not to take any of this internal crap out on any of the housemates.  Think of a better word to associate with her.  Look for an apartment (have an appointment on Sunday to look at one in JP).  Finish school.  Decide to at the very least not care about her.  I have to move.  That's all I need to think about.  Who or why or whatever doesn't matter.  It's on my plate and I can eat it raw, or I can flavor it with some salt and pepper, but I have to eat it.  She doesn't matter to me.  It's the end of an era, and I need to follow my own advice and get over it.  With a smile.

Comments

::hugs::

Seems like a lot of folks are having a pretty tumultuous year so far. :(

Not sure if I can do much to help, but I can at very least offer some hugs. You going to be around this weekend? I'm planning on heading out for angel_heart's test.
I'll be there. (((hug))) I believe you owe me some snugs.
You have been there for a long time. You've been happy there. You knew things would change, and you have good reasons to want them to, but it doesn't mean it's not scary and it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to mourn the good parts.

The new girl attention is hard, because it highlights what could be there and isn't. Are you getting much less attention that usual? Or is someone else just getting more? I'd be jealous too, but as much as she is symbolic of that end it's not her "fault".

*hugs*
I'm not getting less attention than usual...mostly. Scarn usually has more time for me, and I know I can't expect that all the time, but he hesitates to even hug me in front of her, and that's not cool with me. If we hug, then we hug. If we don't then we don't. But I don't like it being one way when she's here and another when she's gone. It's probably just easier to blame someone else for how I'm feeling. Like I said, I really trying not to do that, at least as much as my intellect will allow.
sylvanstargazer said it well, and I have a few thoughts to add.

Much of that household is very inclusive in nature (or exclusive depending on your relationship to the members thereof) - so of course when you've moved from the inside to the outside, you're going to be upset. And regardless of the logical level of emotions you may think you "should" be feeling, emotions have a way of doing their own thing. You may be more upset than is logical because emotions live in a world without logic.

And, since I've been in a similar position when it comes to Scarn and his closest friends - remember that the perspective being shared with her doesn't include your perspective. She very well may be being told that you are horrible, neglectful, and all sorts of other things. The shiney new person hears all the dirt about everyone else, because it gets them into the fold more quickly.

Her vehemence in shaking things up could very well be coming from this - thinking she's protecting him or the other housemates, when in reality, no such protection is needed.

Now, all that logic aside? I'm not even involved in it and I'm pissed on your behalf. As always, we're here as a haven from teh drama as much as we can be. Nowadays, the biggest drama is the baby deciding that she wants her applesauce faster, dammit, or wondering why we can't beat the next level of guitar hero.

Nonetheless, all three of us are sending you big hugs and much love.
Yeah, part of the feelings I have is the inability to really know where I stand. I can't really make a case for myself because I will be the bad guy if I explain my side to her. I can't express my irational feelings about the situation in a way that I could still be a good friend to the people involved. I don't know why I even care what he in particular thinks about how I feel. But I do and I'm not happy about it.
It makes sense that you care - he's someone who has been very close to you for a very long time. Even if you two aren't in a romantic relationship anymore, it's going to take a long time before your feelings get un-enmeshed (if that's even a word).

And I can understand how frustrating it is to want to be able to explain things, but knowing that it probably wouldn't do anything. I hope that at some point, her heart softens enough that she might want to know, and would ask you. It might never happen, but I hope it does.
Y'know, my previous offer of "I CAN be the 4th if you require a roommate" does still apply. 3-1 + Hoyce does still equal 4 (well, 4 1/2...I'm large.)

Just food for thought if no one else wants to move...
4-1 + Hoyce I meant...

Wow...even as a metaphor I fucked up math...
Every time it has come up, you've said no. And you can't count. :-P
check your myspace inbox - I sent you a lead on a place :) it might be cool :)
I helped :)
*hugs*