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led astray

January 2013

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I think it's officially a downswing when your therapist asks if you've considered hospitalization.  And when the answer is yes, not because you're a danger to yourself or others, but because you wouldn't have to go anywhere or do anything for a few days at least, there may be a problem brewing.  But I've hit the point where if I miss another of a particular class I will automatically fail it.  Stupid attendance policy.

So I'm having a med change mid-semester after all.  She's got me on one for bipolar disorder, which I don't have, as well as ADHD which I don't have either.    If this doesn't work there are only a couple dozen others to try.  guh

5:30am is a lonely time.  It's dark.  It's quiet.  No one else is awake.  Tink is curled up in one of the bends of my body with no intentions of moving.  That is the hardest time for me.  I can be wide awake (thanks to meds) and still have to struggle to get up.  The hardest time.  And I'm alone.  There is no one I can ask for help getting out of bed at 5:30am.  I know I shouldn't need help getting out of bed, but I do, so that's not the point.  I have no help.  I pushed so hard this morning I thought I was going to be sick.  I was tearing up.  I would have yelled for help if anyone would have heard me.  I had to do it alone.  And for the first time, I accept that I can't do this alone.  I don't want to have to do this alone.  But there I am, alone.  Every step is a struggle today.  I'm sure the introduction of a new med along with the disapearance of another isn't helping.  But I have to go to class.  I have to go to rehearsal.  I have to make it through the next 13 hours.  Then a bus, then the blissful unconscious.  I admit that I need help.  And I can't get it when I need it most.  And so I am still one against the world.


I thought you had roommates and stuff? Did you move?

Doesn't your school have some kind of "sick leave" policy or something? They should have some kind of special allowance for folks struggling with illness.

Re hospitalization, I think there is nothing wrong with taking a good solid chunk of time off in order to heal, in a place where everyone is focused on your healing.

So. Anyway. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
5:30 in the morning... well, occasionally I'm still awake. Not usually, though.

I think college is a really hard place to deal with mental illness. I'm glad I was able to get through, as miserable as it was, as hard as it was, because on the other side there was the slack I needed to be able to face my issues. Well, sort of face my issues. A bit, at least. Because right now you have all this external structure and responsibility, which is horrible when *any* responsibility, like "get out of bed", is overwhelming.

*hugs* you are doing good. I know you can't see it, but under the given circumstance? You are.