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led astray

January 2013

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a survey more interesting

So I posted this on myspace but no one responded so screw them. :-P

I occasionally fill out surveys. They tend to dissapoint. I don't really have to think about the answers, and most of the people who I would fill them out for already know most of my answers. So I'm making up some new questions that I think are a bit more interesting. Take as much or as little time as you feel necessary to answer.

1) How do you feel about capitalism?

2) What are your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and why?

3) What do you remember about your first love?

4) Are you making conscious changes in your life? What are they and how are you trying?

5) What makes you feel peace?

6) Yes or no? Explain.

7) Is there a pattern to the things you regret?

8) What does friendship mean to you?

9) What do you see when you try to look at yourself objectively? Through someone else's eyes?

10) What do you think finally matters?

Comments

1) How do you feel about capitalism?
Too often used as an excuse to be assholes to one another. I want to do things because I want to, or because I love it, but I can't because I need to eat and am too burned out after a day of earning food to do much of anything but vegge in front of my computer.

2) What are your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and why?
Pagan. I don't usually claim a more specific lable than that, although kitchen witch works. I like to summarize it as pragmatic religion, but it essentially boils down to "there is more to the universe than we can see or understand, that 'more' isn't inherently good or bad it just is, and we can interact with it without seeing or being able to fully comprehend."

3) What do you remember about your first love?
Loss. He had moved away and it hurt so much I realized, "this must be love."

4) Are you making conscious changes in your life? What are they and how are you trying?
Not at the moment. I've just finished making broad changes and am now letting myself rest.

5) What makes you feel peace?
When I can cuddle up next to someone with love.

6) Yes or no? Explain.
No. Easy answers are usually wrong.

7) Is there a pattern to the things you regret?
I don't know what I could have done differently.

8) What does friendship mean to you?
Listening, understanding and enjoying each other's company.

9) What do you see when you try to look at yourself objectively? Through someone else's eyes?
Contraditions. Intense and lazy, logical and emotional, too easily taken in and not trusting enough. Maybe that's why I'm not trying to change anything; I don't know which way I should go.

10) What do you think finally matters?
Companionship and trust.
Doh... I missed that on MySpace

1) I'm personally not a big fan of capitalism. Any major tenet or belief that's centered around money tends to send up red flags for me. Just an out-of-balance way to live.

2) I'm a pagan (Native American southwest/shamanistic flavor) because that symbolism works the best for me. I can respect other people's different symbolism, and understand what they are talking about when they are talking, but ultimately, I find 'God' in a blade of grass or a commando squirrel easier than I find that Divine connection in a book or a church.

3) My first love? His scent. He had a scent to him that was entirely unique to him... a mix of his cologne and his natural smell. He helped me learn to appreciate a person's unique scent... a very tactile way of loving someone :)

4) Oh yeah. I think the best way I could sum them up would be to say that I'm aiming to reinforce changes I chose to make last year. Among them is learning to relax when I need to relax. That's probably the biggest one, as it's the most difficult, and the one that I struggle with the most.

5) Peace? Water. Especially flowing water like a river or the sea. Sometimes I just watch the water run down my sink drain just to relax.

6) Yes. I tend to favor yes's, as most questions I have an answer to, or a vague notion of having been through something similar.

7) a pattern? Oh yeah. Not maintaining healthy boundaries, and believing that I didn't have a right to insist on and maintain them. 9 times out of 10, that was the heart of things.

8) Friendship for me means a lot of love. It's trust, connection, and love. That's at the heart of friendship, that strong core. Everything else seems to be a bit variable (like some friends are more social than others, sometimes I don't hear from friends, etc), but the most important thing is that core.

9) When I look at myself objectively, I think I see me for who I am - a mix of all the good and bad that comes along with who I am. I can see my strengths, and what I'd like to work on. Seeing myself through another's eyes is tougher - as it depends on whose eyes I'm looking through. Most of the time, I see myself through friends' eyes, which I think are a bit positively biased (not that I'm complaining, mind you), when I see myself through my abusers' eyes, I see myself negatively biased. I most often look to another perspective when I'm feeling really down.

10) What matters the most is to live a life in balance. We will make mistakes, we will have regrets, but to never let those regrets keep us from living a whole life. To forgive yourself is probably the hardest, and most important thing to living. So when you put a personal balance together with living with balance with nature as often as possible... well... it's an amazing thing. Balance.
1) How do you feel about capitalism?
Taken in moderation, it has the potential to be a benificial socio economic system. Unfortunately, that is generally not how it pans out, and it lends itself to the sort of uber corporations undermining goverments that we have today. Taken together with the propensity of it to mercilessly exploit, use and othewise stomp down those who lack capital, I can't really say I'm much of a fan.

Like other socio-economic systems (such as communisism) it works better in theory than in practice.

2) What are your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and why?
Maybe there's a god, maybe there's not. It really doesn't impact my life a whole lot either way. Frankly, if there is that fucker has got some 'splanin to do.

Organized religion is, generally, the opposite of what the core beliefs of most religions seem to convey. The problem is that people are emminently corruptable and have, do and will corrupt the message and insitution to their own ends, which just fucks everything up.

Personally I just try to treat other people decently if I can, because wheather or not there is some sort of afterlife for which I am currently being judged or not, I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I'm an ok guy."

3) What do you remember about your first love?
Bitch used me. Fuck her. I hope she's miserable.

4) Are you making conscious changes in your life? What are they and how are you trying?

Yes. I'm trying to fix what's broken.

5) What makes you feel peace?
Reading. When I'm involved in a really good book or story, I am more at peace than any other time.

6) Yes or no? Explain.
Uh...maybe?


7) Is there a pattern to the things you regret?

Yes. They usually involve trusting others.

8) What does friendship mean to you?

Being there for your friends. When they need something, you give it. You don't try to finage anything for yourself out of it, you don't try to use the situation to your advantage, you just catch their back however they need.

9) What do you see when you try to look at yourself objectively? Through someone else's eyes?

I tend to lack that ability.

10) What do you think finally matters?

Being able to get up and slog through your next day...because the alternative isn't much better.
Ooooh! I LIKE these questions! Mind if I post them in my LJ?

1) How do you feel about capitalism?
I think its an unavoidable evil. I hate it and want to be involved in it at the same time since society doesn't allow you to trade things at the grocery store. I'm not one of those people who's driven to make lots of money; I don't find comfort in that. I would love for there to be more of a barter system, where everyone makes a contribution and trades good and/or services for the things they need. Like, I can sew. I'd gladly sew a pouch or something and trade it to a cheesemaker for handcrafted cheeses.


2) What are your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and why?
I'm loosely Catholic, definately Christian. I have always had this love of God that makes my heart feel ten times bigger when I think about it. In my teens and early twenties, I played around with paganism, but found it unfulfilling, angry, and full of people who were mean, backstabbing, elitist, and suprisingly narrow-minded. Christian-bashing by pagans is just as bad as the other way around. I love nature and won't deny the force that flows through all things natural. I can't explain the feeling I get, knowing that I am Loved, other than...well...high.

3) What do you remember about your first love?
The smell of leather, Obsession cologne, and incense.

4) Are you making conscious changes in your life? What are they and how are you trying?
I'm making an effort to get myself in better shape. My personal and family medical history indicated that I have to do this. I have an eliptical machine that I try to use every day, but if I forget, its no use beating myself up over. I just go for a walk instead. I'm also making an effort to get my doll clothes out there and known in the internetty-crazy-Asian-doll world! I'm also learning to think before I act, which is so, SO hard, especially when it comes to giving those I love some breathing room when I want cuddles.

5) What makes you feel peace?
My old riding instructor used to say there is a "bubble" that you float on when you have the horse listening to you and moving forward and all time seems to stop and you are just floating...You can't force it to happen, but when it does, wow. I get that from riding, of course, but also from walking in the woods, the way my garden looks when I actually DO something to it, and the moment before Tylenol PM knocks you out. heh.

6) Yes or no? Explain.
No. NO is harder than YES for me. I tend to let the wrong people get too close to me by saying YES when asked to do something that makes me uncomfortable. Also, saying NO to another drink is definately difficult, and I am learning to say when. Realising when enough is enough is a lesson in NO.

7) Is there a pattern to the things you regret?
The phrase "why didn't I-".

8) What does friendship mean to you?
Honesty and laughter. I know that my best friend will tell me when my butt looks good in jeans, when I have something on my face, when I acted badly. And then, we'll laugh about it, because the honesty wasn't spoken in malice, it was done in love. And its funny to have stuff on your face.

9) What do you see when you try to look at yourself objectively? Through someone else's eyes?
I see a kid, a big kid. I look at myself and think about my age (31) and I just don't see it. I wonder how I am supposed to look (should I look more responsible? more wrinkled? more subdued and less gothy-punky-wacky??) and if I should try to act that way. But that's not me. Through other people's eyes...I only worry about that when I'm feeling crazy/on the verge of a panic attack, or when I'm sick.

10) What do you think finally matters?
Making sure you give out all of your love.
Sure! Go for it!
1) How do you feel about capitalism?

It's great in theory, but terrible in practice. Like any socio-economic system, the ones in power are content with it, the ones not in power are not. And like any socio-economic system, the longer it is in place the more people that fall into the latter category than the former...

2) What are your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and why?

christian, small c. I believe that there was a Christ, and that he knew a hella lot about how people should live. I believe in a higher power, but not necesarilly "the" Christian god, or that Christ was the son of god. All this changes from day to day and conversation to conversation, but that's the pervading theme, it seems.

3) What do you remember about your first love?

I roll over to look at her every morning. Not to say she's been my only love, but my first true one, and the one I came back to and stayed with...

4) Are you making conscious changes in your life? What are they and how are you trying?

Always, though I'm nearly always failing. I'm drawing and painting, staying away from video games, RPGs and NERO, trying to be a good father/husband, "be there" at my job rather than coasting on auto-pilot. All very difficult, and some perhaps pointless (getting an illustration career may have passed by me, for a number of reasons) but all getting some effort from me.

5) What makes you feel peace?

music. Good friends, physical contact. coffee. My son wrapping his arms around my neck and drooling on me with his open mouth in what he considers a "kiss"

6) Yes or no? Explain.

No. Or at least, on paper. The only thing I think I took from "The Weatherman" (movie, Nic Cage) was "The easy answer and the right answer are hardly ever the same thing." It definitely struck a cord with me. That said, I too often take the easy answer, and were you to ask me in person, I'd either say Yes or not answer directly at all. I'm guilty of the superman complex, believing I can do more than I'm actually capable of

7) Is there a pattern to the things you regret?

Of course. Nearly always involve hurting someone I love, and nearly always selfish, foolish, and occasionally the direct result of overestimating my own abilities.

8) What does friendship mean to you?

Someone you can not talk to for months (or years) and not feel the slightest bit awkward around when you do start talking again.

9) What do you see when you try to look at yourself objectively? Through someone else's eyes?

A narcissist. Someone who's never satisfied but rarely doing things to find real satisfaction.

10) What do you think finally matters?

Love. The legacy we leave behind in the hearts of other people.