led astray


shitshitshit  I fucked them all up.  Tried one on and they're children's size.  I've been busting my ass to get these done before Tuesday.  I can't believe this.  I just made another pair last week that fit me.  I don't know.  Shit.  I'm going to have to take them apart and start over, which is fun because I already cut the yarn.  The first commission has been delayed on account of her moving and not having spare cash until mid April.  The big commission I thought I was going to get for shawls for someone's bridesmaids fell through because she doesn't have that kind of money.  I even quoted her with a friend discount and a bulk order discount.  Shit.  *breathe*  I'm not going to mess with it anymore tonight.  
led astray

(no subject)

Last night was stressey, but I was pretty chill about the whole mess today.  Until evening, but that's a chronic ailment.  In new med side effects my eyesight is blurry even with my glasses on now.  This one is a temporary stabilizer addition just until I improve my circumstances with jobs and the like.  Mostly the job thing.  Working on a smallish commission for the neighbor, though I may be sick of it for tonight.  Working on reading the rule book and creating a character for the Dresden Files RPG.  It's a long book with dense, intertwined concepts.  But there's a lot of party cohesion built into the game and it's even more co-op than D&D.  Tuesday looms close on the horizon.
led astray

last night

Last night my training and therapy failed me.  I failed me.  There was a push from my aunt and grandmother to get in contact with my mother, making it sound like she was on her death bed.  Turns out I'm a sucker and my grandmother is making shit up all over the place to do "the right thing" and bring the "family" back together.  Amid much inner turmoil, the crazy slipped in.  I severed, maybe permanently, what I had hoped would be at least a friendship bond.  I had not been doing a very good job cultivating this friendship to begin with.  So I spent the night texting with my mother and alienating a good person whom I have great care for.  Good times.  I can't wait to go to NJ next week and fuck off for a while.  I'll be back in time for my med doc appointment and that's right around when Mass Rehab should be getting back to me to work out my employment situation.  Things lost, things gained.  The world keeps turning.
led astray


It has been a long day of me sobbing in group and in consult.  I am a ball of goo.  Asking the gaming group if it's possible for me to Skype in to session.  I am not prepared to go out again tonight.  Group therapy; it ain't for the faint. 
led astray


I am so tired.  I've bounced from project to project and not sustained work for more than a few minutes.  I ate and cleaned up the kitchen, as far as responsibilities go.  Other than that I have barely enough energy to type this.  The partial hospitalization is exhausting.  Group therapies of varying kinds all day, plus I walk a mile to and from the bus.  The walking isn't, I think, what's tiring me out.  Even still I hear some of their stories and judge my own as trifling by comparison and my brain says I don't need this and I should leave the program.  But I know I am benefiting.  I'm so tired, but I feel like I've done nothing all day because I didn't produce anything (including money).  None of my projects has been able to perk me up, but it's not time for bed yet.  I need to stay on my sleep schedule so my meds don't get out of whack.  Neck, back, shoulders, and hips are all sore.  I considered starting to make a rice based heat pad, but I just couldn't.  Grandma called last night.  I processed a bit of it today in group.  Told her about the program.  She didn't give me too much grief, but had called to tell me about a wonderful employment idea she had (in FL of course) based on assumptions, both of the need and my knowledge, that were just silly.  I am not qualified to be anyone's techie just because I can check my email without having to refer to a manual.  On the bright side, I've lost 4ish pounds this month between the walking and the not comfort eating.  I'm still getting plenty of calories and 3 meals a day, but it's nice to be able to stop when I don't want anymore food, if that makes sense.  

I patched an eyesore hole in my winter jacket.  It's held on with glue right now, but I'll probably sew it on properly some day soon when I have the energy.  It was all I could do to get it assembled today.
coat patch
led astray

3 days

The last 3 days I've woken up and checked the time at 5:13 am.  It's starting to feel like an omen.  The nurse practitioner suggested I take the Abilify in the morning instead of at night because this waking up at pre-dawn started concurrently with the start of the med.  So I didn't take it last night so I could take it this morning.  Still up before dawn.  *shrug*  I'm kind of sad there's no group on weekends.  I enjoy being out of the house and around people who I don't have to hide my condition from.  It helps immeasurably to know demonstrably that I am not alone.  I mean, I know it on an intellectual level, but it's different to be so vulnerable in a group of other people being vulnerable and knowing I don't have to explain or make excuses.   

Craft-wise I have to stick to unraveling things from the "didn't like it pile" and maybe spinning.  Jumping right back into knitting has made my wrist and hand hurt again.  I have to slow down.  But it's my best and most benign coping skill and It Makes Me Feel Worthwhile, so it's really difficult.  Yet another reason I need a job (in case I didn't have enough reasons).  Damn I wish I could make a living off this crafting thing.  Anyway, last night I sorted some old fiber that was tossed willy-nilly into a giant bag and unraveled the mutant sock and washed the fiber and it's going to be a hat for a friend.  I have this one pile of fiber that I dyed that, while I did a good job dying it, it hasn't been a color I'm eager to work with.  Until I paired it with a yarn I've had for years not knowing what to do with.  I'm learning to thrum and it's as though this pair were destined for each other.
chocolate cherry begins
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    creative creative
led astray


So my player is leveling me.  I learned Mattress Stitch while making a finger-less glove with my first thumb gusset.  For as small as it is, this damn thing is the result of a fuck-ton of work.  It will be worth it when people compliment me on it.  The remaining challenge is to make the other hand...It has been a pretty good day.  I cleared off my desk and chair and made one whole glove, got a measurement I needed for the bolero, and started a super simple project for mindless sessions.

Tomorrow I start back to partial hospitalization.  Fun times.  This is the part of the level where I have to do a training montage to add points to my 'cope' skill.  I'm not sure if it's nerves or the smell of a burnt sausage, but I'm queasy.  Ah well.  My meds should be kicking in in about half an hour.  Time to read and get some sleep.  TOmorrow is going to be a long day.

led astray


Yesterday was interesting in my body.  I had fewer and less painful headaches.  Tendinitis is getting better, but not gone.  Can you get arthritis in one finger?  My right pinky has been hurting more and more.  Stomach is in flux.  Hot multi-grain cereal with blueberries was fine.  Chili and taquitos were not ok.  Ended the night with bread and butter...also not ok.  Maybe it was the orange juice I had with the bread and butter?  Meh. 

I have decided to go to the day program.  I'm going to tell my therapist this afternoon.  Then it becomes a matter of paperwork and timing.  Mike wants me to go visit him in NJ for a week.  He said he'll pay for everything so I told him ok.  I don't expect this will actually happen.  It's 5 degrees outside.  It's officially time to bust out the +5 Coat of Warmth.

I've been spinning a lot the last couple days.  I'd like to cast on Kir's bolero, but I think it's a better idea to wait a few more days.  Maybe Monday.  I found a recipe that might be very close to the one I had at that restaurant a while back.  I'm thinking about making it tonight.  It will depend on how much I feel like grocery shopping before therapy.
led astray

body stuff

Day 4 of new med brings headaches.  My stomach is still not sure about this stuff, but my head has lodged a formal complaint.  *breathe*  Give it time.  It is likely this will pass.  The wheel of side effects just has to get its due.  I've been pretty tired and wanting to nap in the afternoon.  Not sure if that is from my recent lack of exercise, the illness, or the meds.  I must be patient.  I'm 80% resolved to go back to the day program at Arbor HRI.  It was helpful before and it can't hurt.  The worst it could do is not help.  My wrist is getting better.  With the brace angel_heart lent me I was able to spin today, so that was happy.  It's helping take my mind off my headache.
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health update

Doc added Abilify.  I'm to take 1 for 10 days, and if nothing changes, take 2.  I'm having a few side effects, but they could be really helpful.  My stomach has become more sensitive.  If I eat a lot it hurts and I get nauseous.  No effect if I eat a small amount.This is helpful to curb my emotional eating.  For the last 3 mornings since I started taking it, I wake up at 7am, seemingly no matter what time I go to bed.  This could be really helpful when I get a job.  Getting a few headaches, but they're not too bad and they go away on their own.  This is not so helpful and I hope it passes.

In other health news, I gave myself Tendinitis (wrist) from knitting too much too fast in too short a time.  I've been icing it, taking NSAID, and compressing with a Rollerblade hand armor thing.  My range of motion has improved over the last couple days (I can type now) but if I move the wrong way, it hurts more than it did the previous 2 days.  The more sucky part is that I have So Many Projects I just can't work on, and I inherited someone's yarn stash.  So this week it's books to distract myself from the crafting I'm not doing.