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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

musings about my musings

I'm having trouble with my words. Hell, I'm having trouble with a lot of things. But I find that when I sit down to write, I immediately start to judge myself. I end up writing the things I think my audience (be it other people or myself) would want to hear from me instead of the things that are really going on up there. There's a divergence between what i'm feeling and what I'm expressing. The difficulty is that positivity is a skill I've been practicing along with cognitive recognition. I have effectively trained myself to have positive things to say, or to give something a hopeful spin. But this presentation is not always what's going on up there, it's a representation of what I want to be going on inside my head. So I have to wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Ruminating is Not Good, but neither is repressing. How can I practice positivity without losing sight of how I really feel? Do I deny those feelings? Stating them in complex detail feels petty, but I also feel bottled-up and unable to articulate almost anything that's really going on beyond the surface construction of persona. I have trouble expressing myself at all anymore, for fear of negativity and ruminating (and exhausting my support network with rehashes of old shit). So I've been skimming the surface of my life and just not looking deeply at anything, which is, I think, not a better solution to feeling everything all the time. Once again, I seek balance. The outcome seems to be that I'm generally more pleasant for other people to be around, but I don't have a firm grasp on who I am because I'm disregarding my feelings. And still I ramble about my own internal conflicts and haven't much thought left over for real world issues that I would like to think about. It goes back to the generalized futility assumption of any action I ever endeavor. I'm wearing out my welcome, but I'm not on my feet. Something has to give and it probably has to be me.

Comments

Listening.

As far as I'm concerned you will never wear out your welcome. I will always read your post far as long as you are willing to write them. I'll give honest opinions when asked, and support when not. I will not judge, or postulate or make assumptions.I will just let you know that I care, and that I'm in your corner. I'm always a mere click away, and you also have my number, so in either capacity I am one more friend at your disposal. After 10 years and hundreds of miles, and misunderstandings and crappy this, and shitty that, I'm not going anywhere. I'm one of many who feel this way.
In conclusion...we like you.

Re: Listening.

(((((HUGEHUG)))))