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led astray

January 2013

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snow and argument

That's what I woke up to.

I've been trying to eat better on a primal diet.  Eating real food without fillers is more expensive and labor intensive than eating a basic American diet.  The biggest snag isn't the variety of things I'm avoiding eating, but the fact that I am currently living as a dependent.  My house mates don't understand it and don't really care that much (if she doesn't want pasta and cookies, what does it matter to our pasta and cookies?).  And I feel guilt because organic fruit and almond butter are more expensive than GMO fruit and peanut butter.  This creates tension.  Then when something expensive I ask for comes back with some of the things I'm trying to avoid (who puts wheat germ in nut butter?), I'm in a pickle.  I am very grateful for the extra care and effort the guys are making to accommodate my "fancy new diet", including efforts to buy organic despite the extra cost.  At the same time, Hoyce just spent $10 on something I'm not going to eat, so he's annoyed.  I didn't explain exactly what I was and was not after.

But this brings me back to my fear of dependency (despite being pretty much constantly dependent for the last 31 years) and terror that I'll never be able to support myself.  And now I'm going to cry.  I feel like a giant failure, a weakling of spirit.  I know where this road leads.  So I'm going to go do the dishes instead.

Comments

Almond butter at Costco is actually cheaper than your average peanut butter ($6ish for a HUGE container). There are ways of meeting your needs while maintaining a decent budget, though it might mean having to switch up the shopping habits, and looking for the spots where things are disproportionately cheap.

Dependency is a fear to which I can very much relate. Just remember, being independent of spirit is more important than independence of finances.
(((hug))) Sometimes I blur them in my mind. I think if I can't be an island, I can't be good enough, therefore I always fail.