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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

oh life is bigger, bigger than you and you are not me...

I dunno.  It came to my mind when I saw the open space.  

This morning the roomies and I threw the term "feckless layabout" around, not knowing what feckless meant.  Turns out it's a phrase that typifies my last 6 months of life.  I had a good date and really had to scramble around in my brain when he asked what I wanted to do with my life.  Shit, I don't know!  I surely don't want to spend it like this, on the fuggin couch bemoaning my luck.  It's slowly getting better.  I'm spending less time with the TV on and more time reading, keeping the house cleaner, taking better care of myself.  I'm slowly (ever so slowly) gathering energy and strength and will.  I have to stop judging the time my process takes.  I am capable of amazing feats, I just need to keep Doing Something.  I can be an awesome person to other people, so why am I not being an awesome person to myself?  The mental line on the job goes something like this; I am afraid of failure, so I am afraid of commitment, so I am afraid to get a job because, 1) I might suck at the job, 2) the job might suck, 3) the people might suck, 4) even if none of the above happens, I may still have an unreasonable breakdown at work that will inevitably taint me in the eyes of my employers.  I really don't know what I can and cannot handle right now, and that makes me less able to handle that which comes.  And then I go doling out advice on other people's LJs like I know some shit.  So, what do I want to be when I grow up??  What do I want to do?  I like to make things, take care of people, cook, knit, and have sex.  I've thought about more education, but I don't know what field.  It seems that nothing I'm interested in/good at translates into job very well.

Comments

When I somehow make my millions, you'll fit right in on the compound.
Not if I find my millions first! ;-) No, wait. End result is the same. Yay!