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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

in bed how long?

I went to bed at 7pm. At 3am I woke up, took my meds, turned out the light and went back to bed. At 8:45, Tink got me up for breakfast. Then I went back to bed until 11:15. I was having nightmares, but I still didn't want to get up. What eventually got me up was that I noticed I was getting woozy and it occurred to me I hadn't had food or water for about 16 hours. So I'm up now, trying to think of something to engage me enough to stay up. I had a piece of pie because it was the only thing that looked appetizing. But it's made from sweet potatoes and 5 eggs, so I got some nutrients. I'm confused that nightmares would be more appealing to me than another day to myself, responsible to my own charge. How shall I waste this day? I could make more hats that won't sell, or work on any number of other projects that are for my own benefit. I don't even feel like playing my favorite video game (Oblivion) today.

Ok, I have to stay up. I'm not sick or tired or any other reasonable excuse to stay in bed for 16 damn hours. I was bored and lonely. I can stay up. I can find something to do, people to talk to. I'm surrounded by things I could and even should be doing but I don't want to put any effort into anything. I know I'll feel better if I do something. Do Something. It doesn't matter what it is. Doing something helps me feel useful and worthwhile. I like those emotions. So why don't I want to do the things I know will make me feel better? Oh, right, I have one of the silent, invisible diseases of mind. Yeah? Well fuck you, brain! I'm going to go watch a horror movie with Val Kilmer and work on my dancin' skirt so I have fun things to wear in NJ/NY this partyful weekend! *harumph!*

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