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led astray

January 2013

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I am so ashamed of myself. I quit my job. I had a mental block and the idea of that place was giving me psychosomatic stomach ails in addition to the usual anxiety. This is a clear signal to me that I still need help. I took what was left in my bank account and signed up for a Burlesque for Beginners class (this evening) and to audition for the same company on Sunday for a "dark cabaret" show in October. 'Cause damn, I miss the stage. Hoyce is become my patron. I'm cleaning the apartment and cooking, basically being the housewife without the wifely duties. This is not ideal, but I am eternally grateful. I'm still applying for around 3 jobs per day. Anything. It's hard to stay positive, but my amazing friends are being very supportive and helping so very much! (((((BIGHUGS))))) Scarn says that each time around, I approach my shit in a slightly healthier way, and that I am much fucking improved since we met. :-) That's encouraging. It's difficult for me to lift my head above the berm and see my position relatively. Still sometimes miss Q. But I'm getting back to learning to like hanging out with myself and doing things that just I like, or that are better done alone. It's going to be gorgeous today and I must make myself go outside for at least half an hour. Go take a walk. Summer here is too short to stay inside and mope about the shit that I screwed up. And I've gotten to the point in my instant horror queue where nothing has more than 2 stars out of 5. Dicey. I haven't been inspired to knit, but I started going through my stash to see what's there and throw some things out that are never going to get used or donated. Just cut the dead weight.

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