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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

catastrophe averted

I had a fuck-up of monumental proportions last night.  I emptied the Brita pitcher that had been filled with boiled water.  I then poured more cooled boiled water into the pitcher.  I then filled the pot up with water and set it on the lit stove to boil.  It takes forever to boil water, so I set about doing the Monday chores (mostly trash emptying).  I sat down on my bed, intending to watch a movie and fix the shirt that I managed to sew up with one side inside out.  I lay back to think over my choices and passed out.  I woke up a little and numbly turned off the computer and the light.  Totally forgot there was something on the stove.  OMG!  Luckily, Hoyce was out and came back later, saw the water and turned it off.  So now I feel even more unfit to care for myself than usual.  

The weekend was a mixed bag.  Saturday turned out to be a lazy Deadwood day, and then Sunday I went to a memorial service with Q for a friend of his who got hit by a car and died.  It was hot and sticky out and neither of us knew anyone present.  It was a long day, but I don't regret having gone.  

Along with so many bad things that happen, there is sometimes a light that flickers on the horizon.  Following the light is difficult and scary and uncomfortable.  Once I find the light, catch up to it, then I can work from a position of self-determination.  Hang on, light.  It's muddy down here.

Fuck, I do not want to go to work today.  That's not news.  It's so beautiful outside, and therefore in the apartment.  So much light changes the whole atmosphere.  I want to go for walks and clean and knit.  Alas, I cannot bear to continue living off the kindnesses of others.  This job sucks my soul out through my ass cheeks via the chair i'm tethered to all day.  But I'll be leaving early to attend an information session at UMass for their accelerated nursing program.  I'm not sure I want to be a nurse, but it's better than what i'm doing now.  I don't know what I want to be besides safe and happy.  I know what makes me feel safe.  I've had to learn it in order to function.  I'm not sure what makes me feel genuinely happy.  I know there are things I enjoy doing, eating, smoking, ect., but I find satisfaction and fulfillment elusive.  I can't hang that on another person and say, "this person makes me happy" because it is inaccurate and unfair.  When do I swell with pride?  What makes me want to get up in the morning?  There is an element that I can't grasp and hold onto.  Today, for example, the weather fills me with joy and wonder and I want to stay here and enjoy it.  That is in direct conflict with my responsibility to go to work so I can pay rent.  I need to find a bliss that I can carry with me, a shield to stop my joy oozing into my swivel chair.

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Some days, even the best of us forget things on the stove. Druid once lit a whole bunch of stuff on fire by turning on the wrong burner. It happens.