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led astray

January 2013

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oops, i dreamed it again

Britney's song was in my head last night as I dreamed of that vile man again.  I've been plagued with bad dreams lately, but I really prefer the ones where I have to eat maggots or watch Freddy Krueger molest someone next to me while the airplane we're on crashes.  I tried for 10 years to get this out of my mind, and I was just about successful when he traipsed back in with more promises of having changed.  I had to believe him.  I had to forgive him.  I needed to believe that people can change because I'm trying so fucking hard to change.  I needed the hope.  But he turns out to be just like my mother, making promises when it's convenient, breaking them at the drop of a hat.  I think I need a ritual for letting go, for getting this out of my head.  And I'll say it now; Hoyce was right.  Everyone was right.  I couldn't listen at the time.  I needed the hope.  Well fuck that.  I'll be my own hope.  I have made real change.  I slip up sometimes, but I am putting in the effort.  His behavior does not reflect on my process.  It was an arbitrary standard I created as yet another cork board to pin hopes on.  And this is one of the three main reasons I don't want to go to work; I have too much time to ruminate.  (I also don't like work clothes and dread the commute.)  I'm ashamed I wasted this much journaling time on this.  That's a judgement I don't need.  And, well, he isn't the only person letting me down after 10 years and promises of change...  

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::big safe hugs::