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led astray

January 2013

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i need a win...or do i?

Something is off.  I feel defeated, and I'm not sure by what.  I hope it isn't all the little shit, the anticipation of what my holiday weekend should look like.  While I'm not upset at anyone, (poor communication, illness, and the dissolution of distant marriage being the main culprits) things didn't go as planned.  For anyone.  I find on reflection that I approached the holiday the same way mother does.  It involved different elements, but the vision of the Perfect Christmas at home slipped through my fingers.  I was holding on to it so tight that when things didn't happen as planned, I got cranky.  Just like mother.  And just like her, I took it out on those close to me.  I feel like a bully.  I've been horrid to Hoyce for days.  He didn't deserve it.

I'm out of weed.  I can't get anymore just now.  I'm sure that's affecting my mood also.  December wrecked me physically, which wrecked me even further financially.  I know that money can't buy happiness, but it sure would go a long way towards fixing the things that make me unhappy.

I'm going to go wake my sleeping guest and prepare to go back to the grind, trying to keep gratitude in my heart and mind and reflect on the good things that happened and the love and friendship I have been given.  Most of my life is made of win.  I have amazing friends, live in a kickass city, I'm smart and pretty and I feel safe in my home, I am loved by one of the sweetest animals I have ever met, I am healthy, I give and receive love and care daily.  Perhaps I just need a perspective adjustment.

Comments

There is a lot of wisdom in acknowledging there is no perfect. If something happens which lines up to our mental image of perfect, it is a fluke. Like's perfection lies in its faults. As Gnazz would say, "Life sucks; love it anyways."

You have enough self-awareness to see you fell into an unhealthy pattern. Now's the time to do something about it. ::big hugs:: We cannot control life's faults, but we have infinite control on how we roll with those faults. You can do it!
Yeah, you're right. And I got to a place where I roll pretty well with what life throws at me. Some things still trip me up. I am getting up, dusting off, and setting out again. :-)