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led astray

January 2013

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doll

pep talk

I didn't sleep well.  My innards are unhappy with the stress I've been under the last few days.  A destructive force has come and gone and I am still standing.  I didn't get out the things I wanted to say.  It didn't feel right.  The smug satisfaction I would have gotten from it paled in comparison to the sight of her shaking and ill ease, which greatly diminished the monstrous image of her in my mind.  It does no one any good to point out her flaws.  I witnessed many of the same things that used to drive me to the razor-edge of matricide being played out between members of her household.  It made me very sad.  I am hoping l'il sis will go to an out of state school up here somewhere.  She seemed to have a good time.  She got the sense of peace I live with now, seeing that no one walks on me or my boundaries anymore.  I don't live in constant fear for my information and posessions.  I don't have to close and lock my door in anticipation of unwanted parties nosing around my space.  I have safe space.  I have a place I can go and know that my wishes mean something to the other occupants.  I am so very grateful to my friends who have in the past and continue through tomorrow to help me feel safe and discover what safe feels like. 

So then I have the ponderance of whether to go to work today.  All my internal impressions of those who care about me say I need to go in, that nothing is more important than continuing to stay mired.  The part of me that wants to stay home is wanting to clean and look at grad schools, not lay in bed and sulk.  I don't want to let her brief presence bring my life to a screeching halt, but at the same time, I really want to bask in Me-ness and spend the day enjoying and appreciating the life I've built, the safety and comfort of my personal space.

I didn't win.  I didn't win because there was no battle.  There was no battle because there was nothing worth fighting for, nor anyone worth fighting with.  No worthy fucking adversaries.  ;-)  The whole thing was really anticlimactic.  I think that was the best outcome that could have been hoped for, realistically.

Comments

*HUGS* Really proud of you and how far I know you've come on so many levels. I'm glad you found some closure on that part of your life and realize what good things you have now to enjoy and build on. *more hugs*

If you don't stay home today to enjoy your Me-ness, you should at least take the evening to do so. It sounds like it would be a really grounding and empowering thing for you.
Good for you for realizing the battle wasn't there, that she lost that battle a loooooong time ago, and for showing your little sister what safe space really is.

I second angel_heart's recommend for me-ness time tonight.