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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

things

There are things I don't want other people to know.  This is fact.  There are all sorts of things I am ashamed of.  Jaimi was right about many things.  I am shy.  Terribly so.  My armor is to pretend otherwise.  But that just allows more terror to enter my life.  I think that's what a lot of this is about, getting rid of the fear, the shy, the anxious.  All this work just to stop being afraid.  So what the fuck is it that I'm afraid of?  Not being loved?  Lack of something thought to be needed.  But what, really, is needed?  Because to fear anything else is wasteful.  "Know then, oh waiting and compassionate soul, that is to fear which has the power to harm, and nothing else is fearful, even in Hell." ( I never did finish reading that.  I should get a copy and start over.  I think I'll get a lot more out of it this time.)  I have been so afraid that I forgot to stop hiding.  I never figured out what I need because I was too afraid of losing it.  Shame is so powerful a force in my life, and I am even ashamed of that!  Ha!  I don't need what I don't need, and fear keeps me from knowing what I need.  So I started with the things I have come to identify with as essential to me: voracious hunger, lust, and fantasy.  Things I threw myself into for identity, afraid of identifying something unloveable inside me, without a core of Something.  Afraid to be found wanting, empty.  So if I can't do something right the first time, or show immediate improvement, I will give it up.  All I see in that space is the space, the lack, the hole where something worthy isn't.  So when I pick something up, when I get it, when it clicks and I figure out, that looks to me like a sign from the heavens that they approve of me, so I keep doing those things.  If something doesn't come easily, I feel like a failure and give up way before I reach my capacity to solve the problem.  If something is even a little difficult, requires patience, practice, persistence.  I boast of having these qualities!  Do I really have them?  Well, I've been able to grow some of these qualities recently.  I have a good long way to go.  I need time in my cave.  It's cluttered and dirty and I need to spend some time and energy making things right.  It has to be all about me for a while.

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