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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

and it hits me

Don't think I slept well.  Don't feel rested.  And then as I woke up, so did the stomach pain, the anxiety in manifestation.  So I'm having the nas-tea.  It's 8:25am.

I have to remind myself that what I'm feeling isn't real guilt.  It's manipulation posing as guilt.  But then, I do pity her.  I know that she is sick and that's why she acts that way.  I want so much to be sympathetic and supportive, but she doesn't seem interested in learning another way to live.  And I am learning new ways.  Remember that she won't remember.  I could talk perfect sense to her and know that my words will be twisted into barbs and launched back at me.  She is sick, but that doesn't excuse or make ok the things she did and does.  I want to love her.  There is still a child inside me that wants to reach out to her so she can take me in her arms and make everything better.  I want her to magically stop being crazy and just be my mom.  I mourn the loss of what could have been a great mentor.  She was smart, creative, had decent taste, had a lot of struggle to oversome, but she didn't overcome anyting.  I moved on and have been making real fucking progress.  And then she calls and the bricks i build my Self with crumble to dust.  I can see where the structure used to be, and the ground has been cleared more than before, so getting the buildings back up won't be as hard.  I have a better idea where things go, how to line the bricks up.  And I can learn from this and build myself back up stronger.  I will use this wreckage to better myself.  Damn it.

Comments

Exactly. It's manipulation posing as guilt. Of course your little sister hates her - your little sister sees your mother choose again and again to perpetuate the sickness rather than fight it, and the sickness tells your mother that it's some inherent genetic flaw amongst her daughters, rather than that she's doing anything wrong.

Of course there is a part of you which wants, intensely, for your mother to do the same thing, even just once, which you do everyday: face her shit and choose to do the right thing despite the fear.

You've built a very solid building, and a tornado has run through. You are more than capable of rebuilding the same strong structure, if not stronger. She decided to reach out to verbally slap you, to get you through a channel you trust, for the sole purpose of upsetting you. How pathetic an individual. She has chosen to kill your mother, again and again, and I'm so sorry you have to still see that.
I get so frustrated that she won't look at herself. She sees the flaws in everyone else. There is a strong temptation in me to write her a letter now that I have better methods of communicating what I'm feeling. But that opens up a dialogue that I don't think I'm ready for and from which I think neither of us may benefit.
I agree - opening that dialogue, however helpful to both of you it could be, is likely to result in a renewed effort on her end to "get you to understand". If you feel you're in a place stable enough to handle that possibility, I will happily offer any support you need in order to facilitate that.

Maybe, for now, writing an unsent letter would be helpful? I write my mother a letter every month, and bury it. She has no hope of understanding until she faces her shit, but getting my words out of me is still beneficial. I just give those words to a mother who will listen.